My day job is that of an organizational development consultant. I love my job. It gives me the platform to tickle my cerebrum, to diagnose complex systemic issues and also create creative solutions. It also entertains me. When client-leaders spout wisdom in meetings:

‘I think managers should be more human during the foreplay of a 1on1.’

‘I love socializing – In fact, I am a big time socialist.’

‘Elop laid thousands of people.’

‘We made some great accusations in 2006. That changed our trajectory. Then we made a small accusation – it paid off well. We made another big accusation in 2009 – that’s how we grew.’

The last one got me thinking on a new line of consulting ‘ Murders and Accusations’!

So, consulting is fun. And, having a ‘consultative mind-set’ is something that a lot of organizations value. They look for people who have the ability to look at issues holistically, are able to diagnose systemic problems, and create powerful blueprints for change. My bosses would tell me I am a good consultant, but when I started discussing patient-management metric while I was in labour at the hospital, I realized I had gone too far. I am sure there are others like me. Here is a helpful checklist to help them evaluate if they are ‘chronic consultants’.

  1. You need a whiteboard and marker to explain the leaking faucet to the plumber.
  2. You prepare a 2X2 matrix to aid your decision on removing clothes from the clothes line before it rains.
  3. You seek to improve the processes in the operation theatre while undergoing surgery. Even after anaesthesia is administered.
  4. You call your kids stakeholders.
  5. And your parents internal customers.
  6. You make an engagement plan for your ‘stakeholders’ and ‘customers’that includes Friday theme-dressing.
  7. They get mad at you. So, you ask them to contact the ombudsman or enter their feedback on the engagement portal.
  8. You ask the vegetable vendor for a ballpark estimate before you decide on which vegetables you want to buy.
  9. When your boyfriend notices a woman’s pert butt, you make a PERT chart detailing the plan to replace him.
  10. You think Robin Blue is an aid to create a Business Blueprint.
  11. You share best practices around kitchen gardening only with your best-in-breed neighbours.
  12. In the kitchen, you boil the ocean but bring nothing to the table.
  13. You keep reinventing yourself continuously since you are afraid of getting commoditized.
  14. You avoid the critical path that takes you to the treadmill or any other such exercise equipment.
  15. You tell your elevator story to the lift repair man.
  16. You ask your maid for more face time.
  17. You wish to know the various functionalities of the toy rattle you are purchasing for your baby.
  18. You wish the eunuch demanding money at the trafficsignal would be more granular in his approach instead of taking a helicopter view about why you should pay him money.
  19. You incentivise the cat by punishing the dog.
  20. The dog leapfrogs to get some low-hanging fruit.
  21. The aforementioned ‘low-hanging fruit’ is your handbag.
  22. The handbag has mission-critical items like your anti-wrinkle cream.
  23. You lay off the dog

 

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Rachna Singh

Guest Author at MerryBrains
Rachna Singh is a humour writer with four published books to her name. This excerpt is from her most recent book, ‘Digs, Dogs and Drama’ which is in the genre of anecdotal humour. All her books are available in major bookstalls and online shopping sites.Rachna Singh’s first book, ‘Dating Diapers and Denial’, in the genre of anecdotal humour, was published in 2011 and received rave reviews as it went on to top the bestsellers charts.

Media Reviews:

The New Indian Express : Rachna Singh is part of the new waveof genuinely funny, smart and self-aware women writers in the country.”

The Femina : “Rachna Singh’s writing is filled with wisdom, compassion and humour.”

The Hindu : "Author Rachna Singh's wit is so sharp, it pokes at your funny bone hard.“

DNA : “Immensely Funny" 

Deccan Herald : "Unconventional, witty, intelligent — Rachna Singh, first time author, mother, wife,
homemaker and consultant wears all hats with equal aplomb."
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